Q: How do you get a part time professional magician off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Hear about the drunk wedding magician?
A: He was walking down the street and turned into a bar!
Q: How do you get a wedding magician to do 100 card tricks?
A: Ask him to show you one.
Q: What’s the difference between a professional magician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.
When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said “A Magician”. She said, “You can’t do both”.
I told my mother “You know, I’ve half a mind to become a professional magician”.
She said “That should do”.
What’s the difference between a close-up magician and his South American Macaw?
One of them is noisy, loud, and obnoxious, and the other one is a bird.
How do you keep a magician in suspense?
When I grow up I want to be a close- up magician” said little Johnny.
His Mom says,” No, you’ll have to make up your mind. You can either grow up OR you can be a close-up magician…”
What did the fisherman say to the table magician?
‘Pick a cod, any cod.’
What’s the difference between a magician and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a magician.
What’s the difference between a close up magician and an Uzi?
An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
“Bartender, who’s that in the picture behind the bar?” “That’s David Copperfield, the magician.”
“You want to hear a magician joke?” “Listen,” says the barkeep,” before you say one more word– I’m a magician.
See that big guy over at the table? He’s my cousin and he’s a table magician.
And him–” he points to a large, tattooed figure on the bar stool in a black leather Hell’s Angel’s jacket.–” he’s a street magician.
Are you still want to tell your magician joke in here?”
“Sure, I’ll just go real slowww….”
What do you say to a corporate magician in a three piece suit?
“Will the defendant please rise?”
What do you get when you throw a magician off the Golden Gate Bridge?
Applause.
If a mime and a magician were drowning, would you save one of them or go to lunch?
Ninety-nine percent of magicians give the rest a bad name.
London Magician and his glasses
A London magician looking for a new trick went to a newly opened magic shop in central London. The man in the shop handed him an ordinary-looking pair of glasses and said, “Only £1,000.”
The magician was shocked. “A thousand pounds for a pair of glasses?”
“Try ‘em on; they’re special glasses.”
The magician tried them on and suddenly the clerk was naked. So were the female shoppers! He removed the glasses and everyone was clothed. “Sold!” he said.
Riding the tube home, the London magician put the glasses on again. All the passengers were naked! He took them off and everyone was clothed again. When the magician got home, he put his new glasses on before opening the front door. When the magician entered the living room, there on the sofa were his wife and his best friend, naked! He took the glasses off, but they were still naked.
“Damn!” he said. “A thousand pounds for a magic trick and in 30 minutes it’s already broken!”
Magician / Juggler in Hell
A juggler is sent to hell for his sins.
As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a close-up magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.
“What a rip-off,” the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that close-up magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!”
Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: “Who are you to question these women’s punishment?”
Why did they put 200 corporate magicians at the bottom of the ocean?
Someone heard that magicians really were good people deep down.
How did the party magician end up with a million pounds in his bank account?
He started with two million.
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to wedding magicians?
It saves them time in the long run.