On Magic.

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Q: How do you get a part time professional magician off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: Hear about the drunk wedding magician?
A: He was walking down the street and turned into a bar!

Q: How do you get a wedding magician to do 100 card tricks?
A: Ask him to show you one.

Q: What’s the difference between a professional magician and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

When I was a child my mother asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said “A Magician”. She said, “You can’t do both”.

I told my mother “You know, I’ve half a mind to become a professional magician”.
She said “That should do”.

What’s the difference between a close-up magician and his South American Macaw?
One of them is noisy, loud, and obnoxious, and the other one is a bird.

How do you keep a magician in suspense?

When I grow up I want to be a close- up magician” said little Johnny.
His Mom says,” No, you’ll have to make up your mind. You can either grow up OR you can be a close-up magician…”

What did the fisherman say to the table magician?
‘Pick a cod, any cod.’

What’s the difference between a magician and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a magician.

What’s the difference between a close up magician and an Uzi?
An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

“Bartender, who’s that in the picture behind the bar?” “That’s David Copperfield, the magician.”
“You want to hear a magician joke?” “Listen,” says the barkeep,” before you say one more word– I’m a magician.
See that big guy over at the table? He’s my cousin and he’s a table magician.
And him–” he points to a large, tattooed figure on the bar stool in a black leather Hell’s Angel’s jacket.–” he’s a street magician.
Are you still want to tell your magician joke in here?”
“Sure, I’ll just go real slowww….”

What do you say to a corporate magician in a three piece suit?
“Will the defendant please rise?”

What do you get when you throw a magician off the Golden Gate Bridge?
Applause.

If a mime and a magician were drowning, would you save one of them or go to lunch?

Ninety-nine percent of magicians give the rest a bad name.

London Magician and his glasses

A London magician looking for a new trick went to a newly opened magic shop in central London. The man in the shop handed him an ordinary-looking pair of glasses and said, “Only £1,000.”

The magician was shocked. “A thousand pounds for a pair of glasses?”

“Try ‘em on; they’re special glasses.”

The magician tried them on and suddenly the clerk was naked. So were the female shoppers! He removed the glasses and everyone was clothed. “Sold!” he said.

Riding the tube home, the London magician put the glasses on again. All the passengers were naked! He took them off and everyone was clothed again. When the magician got home, he put his new glasses on before opening the front door. When the magician entered the living room, there on the sofa were his wife and his best friend, naked! He took the glasses off, but they were still naked.

“Damn!” he said. “A thousand pounds for a magic trick and in 30 minutes it’s already broken!”

Magician / Juggler in Hell

A juggler is sent to hell for his sins.

As he is being taken to his place of eternal torment, he sees a close-up magician doing card tricks for a couple of beautiful woman.

“What a rip-off,” the juggler muttered. I have to roast for all of eternity, and that close-up magician gets to spend his time doing card tricks for beautiful women!”

Jabbing the juggler with his pitchfork, Satan snarled: “Who are you to question these women’s punishment?”

Why did they put 200 corporate magicians at the bottom of the ocean?
Someone heard that magicians really were good people deep down.

How did the party magician end up with a million pounds in his bank account?
He started with two million.

Why do so many people take an instant dislike to wedding magicians?
It saves them time in the long run.

The greatest enemy of the magician is exposure.

Such a simple act of “It’s in your other hand” or “You switched the cards” can bring a top performance to an anticlimactic end.

You’d think then, that ‘instruction’ videos constructed by mischevious 13 year olds who barely know how to hold a deck of cards could damage magic beyond repair.

The world famous video sharing website, Youtube, has hundreds of such videos. Their grainy, shaky frames exposing the secrets behind a shocking amount of card tricks which normally cost upwards of £20 each.

So Why do magicians still buy magic tricks, when they can find out the ’secret’ for free?

Well, as all good magicians know, there’s a whole lot more to a magic trick than it’s workings. As these squeaky pubescent amateur meddlers show in theirweak videos, the physical moves alone don’t make for an entertaining performance. There is so much more to magic than tricking people.

The exception to this rule perhaps is the occasional ’street magician’ who makes it to TV such as Dynamo. He can’t put a sentence together, never mind a performance. His ’success’ is more to do with marketing, and a ‘hip-hip’ selling point than competence as a magician, but that’s irrelevant.

Back to the point, when you buy a magic DVD, you get a range of routines taught by an experienced, competent magician.  You get bonus handlings etc.

Any magician worth his salt wants to improve his routine and polish it to it’s finest, not learn 50-odd tricks and half-perform them.

The other argument many might have is “Won’t laypeople go on the internet and find out how tricks are done?”

The simple answer to this question is how many laypeople do you actually know who have done this? Anyone?

Welcome to ON Magic, your eye on the magic world.

Keep up to date with the latest hot topics in the magic community. If Jay Sankey is performing in your local restaurant, or Michael Ammar is about to give a lecture on why invisible thread causes cancer, you’ll find it here at On Magic first.

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